My Christmas Card

Well Good Morning to you all!  I hear that it’s 2020.  I have to say that I didn’t actually ring in the new year in the traditional way….because this girl was in bed at the midnight hour, maybe already 2 hours into slumber.  But alas, the celebrations occurred even without my active involvement.  No, I’m not a party pooper.  And no, I don’t get “triggered” by being in these celebratory situations focused on cocktails and blow horns that never function correctly.  I just wanted a peaceful night with my husband and whatever children wanted to be here yesterday evening. 

That’s what we created here last night.  Just another night of calm and serenity.  All were welcome, really, although I didn’t broadcast the occasion. Perhaps I should have sent out an Evite for such a gathering.  A gathering where PJs were welcomed, movies would be seen, absolutely no hor d’oeuvres would be served, and the hosts would be asleep by 10 PM.  I bet it would have been quite the turnout.

I have never been one to focus on specific days where celebration carries expectation and ritualistic happenings.  At least I don’t want to be in charge of such events.  I’m happy to partake in the planning of others, but I tend to let inspiration lead me these days in how I practice gratitude and remembrance.  And Mike and I don’t buy expensive gifts for one another for birthdays and Valentine’s.  We leave random notes on the mirror expressing our thoughts of love and appreciation whenever passion and inspiration hits.  That’s how we roll.

Now, I DO celebrate the fact that this year is starting quite differently than last year, I just didn’t need to countdown the seconds in a party setting.  Damn, we’ve already partied hard this holiday season.  Mainly in the kitchen, cooking for multiple large gatherings and making sure that everyone is content and well-cared for.

And I guess that I wanted to keep my mind free and clear of thoughts which hold me back.  I didn’t worry about being surrounded by alcohol.  But I still deal with wondering what other people are thinking.  Slightly annoying, but also very true.  I still worry that people are considering me more than themselves. 

So, I didn’t even want THAT in my brain.  It takes me away from being in the moment, really.  And I realize that I already did it a little during the Christmas gatherings…wondering if my family was sacrificing drinking for my personal comfort level.  As if they even gave a shit about that.  Well…some may have, and some may have not.  It was a little strange for me to see that the red wine stayed half-way full on the counter, after Mike and I used part of it for homemade Bolognese sauce for Christmas Day.  It was there in case anyone else wanted some….but no one did.  So interesting.  Those are the times that I realize that I ain't like everyone else.  That bottle NEVER would have been corked.  Not if I could have helped it.  

And of course, in my head, I wondered if even my presence was hindering others in any way.  I HATE that idea more than anything.  This struggle to care less about what others think is still real and present for me.  I’ve made great strides in just about every area surrounding this subject, but I supremely don’t want others to NOT drink.  Because of little ole ME. 

Got to let that shit go, ya’ll.  I know that they are all responsible adults and are perfectly capable of making their own choices.  But yeah, that’s probably a good resolution to put on my mental list.

I am struck by the fact that I started writing this at a time when plenty of people were just going to bed.  Perhaps after several more glasses than they should have had.  I’m not exactly grateful to be up at this hour, but I AM grateful to not feel like that.  

My 15 year old got home at 12:30 and started snacking in the kitchen and Facetiming with a friend, and forgot to wake me when he got home….which unfortunately meant that I awoke in a panic at 2:00 and left the bedroom to make sure that all the kiddos were home and safe.  Ahhhhh…..They were.  I even got to wish his friend a Happy New Year and introduce Evan to the magnificent brownies that Mike and I made last night.  That’s what this New Year brought.  Being sober and present enough to appreciate starting my day at 2:00 AM with my teenage son and a faceless girl with a pleasant voice.

And as I opened the refrigerator to get some creamer for my coffee, I saw the Christmas and New Year’s cards from a few friends and family with their smiling faces and well-coordinated outfits.  Nope, we don’t do those.  Not because I’m judgmental and jaded, but because I just don’t value time and energy on such things.  We have jobs, eight children living in two different states, and undertake the holiday season with more planning, preparation and tolerance than I ever thought possible.  So, things like that don’t get done.  And that’s okay.

This can be my card sent to family and friends.  This can be the Christmas letter where I inform everyone of the happenings of the year.  That would be quite funny actually. To send a letter out with what REALLY happened. 

“I hope this letter finds you all well.  Jennifer started out 2019 in a drunken stupor, entered rehab in February and hasn’t had her nightly Chardonnay in almost 11 months.  She can’t fit into her outfit that she bought for the pictures, so that’s why she is in a plaid onesie.”

Ha!  Yeah, that’s where I am.  Grateful for new beginnings and painfully aware of what needs work in my life.

But everyone else really seems awesome and well-adjusted at the moment. 

Will is asleep on the den floor on a self-made palette of about 5-6 blankets and accompanied by his 6-foot long stuffed dog named Snoop Dog that he got for Christmas.  And he’s cradling a football, because that’s his current obsession, proven by his choice to ring in the new year by watching football documentaries until late last night.  That’s just goodness, ya’ll.  I love a nine-year old who knows what he likes and pours his heart into each and every new interest.  And yes, I think he gets a little of that from me.  That and his uni-brow that is used for wonderfully dramatic facial expressions.  He loves flag football, hip-hop dance classes and wears mismatched clothes with pride.  I mean, what a great balance.

Grace is asleep upstairs and will be joining the family around noon today.  She worked last night, came home around 11:00 and chilled in her room talking to friends on the phone and perusing Netflix.  And yes, this is lovely as well.  This last year seems to have brought a renewed sense of academic accomplishment and a peaceful self confidence which has been missing for quite some time.  I am deeply proud of her independence and patience with herself.  Man, it’s hard to be a teen aged girl these days.  Boys want to come “hang” at 10:00 at night, as if that’s an appropriate display of respect and interest.  And I’m grateful that she’s beginning to see that she deserves more than that.  Much more.  She seems to have taken on these feelings herself, instead of being told that she should expect more from the opposite sex.  Boundaries, baby.  We all deserve them.  And her smile makes me swoon.  It’s a full-faced toothy smile that changes a room.  And usually carries a loud laugh that she absolutely knows is slightly annoying, but she doesn’t care.  Hell yes to THAT.

And Evan is now peacefully asleep after a late night with friends and even more time Facetiming once home.  He’s my easy one.  So respectful and agreeable.  Truth be told, I’d love to see him yell or rebel about SOMETHING.  I worry that he keeps too much in, because I certainly did.  But maybe that’s really him.  Calm, driven, polite and unselfish.  Shit, did I really create that in one of my offspring?  Ha!  Maybe not.  It probably happened despite me.  And my even verbalizing that thought says that it probably did.  He still plays a tremendous amount of baseball (at the high school and on his select team) and is found with the porch lights on, hitting balls into the backyard net at 11:00 at night on a regular basis.  And I am amazed that he doesn’t seem to carry resentment about being shot in a hunting accident over 4 years ago, which changed his physical abilities and detoured his baseball aspirations for some time.  It would be cliché to say that he’s taught me much about moving forward positively.  That’s true.  But mainly I’m proud of the peace with which he carries himself.  I am inspired by it every day.

I hope that 2020 brings more time in Florida with my Alexander children.  They spend the summers here in Austin, and we relish this time when the days slow down enough to NOT have to plan anything.  Mike and I have a camper that allows us to travel to Florida every couple of months, but in a perfect world, we would have a second home where we could stay for several weeks at a time.

All five of the Florida kiddos are wonderfully kind and ridiculously smart.  I’m realizing now that I’ve never asked them if it’s alright to include them in this blog, so I want to be respectful of their privacy at this moment.  Perhaps I’ll share more in the future, and it’s a good thing to realize that I should share more about my recovery and writing with them.  They may be like Grace, who knows that I write, but really has no interest in reading it much.  And that’s perfectly fine.  But I DO like to be considerate of other people’s feelings about it being so public.

I wish you all a wonderful new year.  It’s really just the beginning, right?  We celebrate the fact that 2019 and everything that came with it, has come to an end.  And we revel in the idea of rebirth and renewal.  For the past (almost) 11 months, I’ve set each day with intention, and I’m sure that will continue.  That has been a welcomed resolution which starts my every day, but now it’s time to move on to other areas for growth.  Perhaps I’ll make it to the gym today.  I’ve already got the makings for my protein shake breakfast, ya’ll.  Either way, I know that this New Year’s Day is markedly better than a year ago. 

I’ll celebrate one year of sobriety on February 5^th.  I suppose that’s coming up pretty soon.  And again, I can’t tell you that I’ll value any kind of public acknowledgment or celebration on that specific day, but I am cognizant of how far I have come personally.  That day was my own personal new year.  Where I did plenty of cheers the night before, kissed my husband as we said goodbye at rehab, and arose the next day with a very real resolution that I didn’t just scribble on paper.  I live that resolution every fucking day.  With pride and resolve.  And these peaceful beings asleep in this household are the better for it.