Alcohol and the Booty Call

So, what’s one of the first decisions that I made in recovery?  Well, I decided to listen.  I knew that others were right about my drinking problem.  They were only confirming what I already knew to be true, that I could not control my drinking and that it was indeed getting worse, causing pain for myself and others around me.  That information came from trusted individuals like Mike, a couple of close friends, my parents, and my children (although they didn’t know how truly bad it was).   And at last, I didn’t fight what I was being told.  Truly, that had been a major issue in the past.  If someone told me I should stop, or came at me with judgement or arrogance, OR told me exactly how to do it, and didn’t have their side of the street clean, I did not listen.  Meaning, if I was threatened by someone who I didn’t trust, their feedback meant nothing to me, and was taken as a reason to continue drinking.  Of course, I know now that this was a ridiculous way to exert my independence, but true nonetheless.  So, their information might have been entirely true about me, but I chose to only see hypocrisy.

This “listening to trusted individuals” got me through the door of rehab and continued as I built relationships with counselors there.  I believe it “may” have been possible to make this decision to quit drinking without formal treatment….but looking back, it’s also possible that the actual listening, by my spiritual self, took weeks and even months, instead of minutes.  I don’t really know.  It’s not as if these self-realizations came as bolts of lightning with a fortune cookie saying that I could quote.  It’s a process.  But by going away, I just so happened to increase the likelihood that I was surrounded by these individuals, right?  I mean, I think it was probably a good idea to have very bright and powerful teachers around me everyday for a month.  Who wouldn’t want that???  And yes, it was a good decision to enter a facility, where I did not even have the option to drink for at least 30 days.

Upon returning home, I continued to focus on the company I kept and was careful with whose fellowship and whose feedback I took in.  I surrounded myself with the most important people in my life.   I was not demeaned or approached with doubt at every turn.  They did not come at me with anger, punishment or question my resolve.  They came to me with acceptance, love and positivism.  And for an independent soul, this was more than effective, in my case.  And I considered it my responsibility to continue to build relationships that fostered this positivism.  If someone was holding me back from this better part of myself, I kept my distance.  They were not welcomed into my spiritual space, and their feedback, once again, did not hold weight.  This wasn't being rude, it was creating boundaries for what would support my recovery.  Why do you think I waited 9 months to begin writing like this?  There's no way I would have been ready at the beginning of the journey. I learned what to take in healthily, and that has allowed me to decide what I give in return. 

You learn a lot about those around you when you admit to addiction.  Some of that hinges on my own actions, and sometimes it’s very clear where someone stands in their acceptance and/or encouragement of my recovery.  There are some that won’t even mention it (and I assume these same people think writing in this way should be embarrassing), as if it’s too dirty to talk about, or that I’ve now changed just because I admitted my past failures.  This is not fun to endure, but just another part of paying attention to what I’m being taught.  About people.  And about life.  And I have to remind myself that this doesn't mean that I am dirty, it is just indicative of what they would like to talk about or acknowledge.  But this is sometimes hurtful to me.  I work to overcome these feelings daily.

Secondly, I had to define my relationship with alcohol.  I had to take note of what it brought me in the past and decide what role it would have in my life moving forward.  In the 12-Step world, this was really my Step One:  “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Let me explain it this way.

I decided that alcohol only hurt me and took me away from my core self, which is good in nature.  And I had to decide what that meant moving forward, because I could not eradicate alcohol, as a substance, from this earth.

I had to choose to redefine the relationship and take back my power. That’s the irony in Step One, that I admitted I was powerless over a substance, and subsequently took back my power and potential in every other way.  It was clear that my own actions would determine if I was successful.  Bottles of bubbly didn’t hold the power.  And no other person could make this decision for me or commit to the actions that would support this realization.  Only myself.    

Therefore, to put it simply, I chose to break up with alcohol.

This was the history.  I had had a long-standing unhealthy relationship with it, that had never served me well, never gave me what I wanted, and only reduced me in many ways.  I mean, it had a great personality and all.  Charming and charismatic.  Sexy as hell, too.  I just got into bed with it one too many times.  You know, like the guy who calls at midnight from the bar, sleeps with you that night, but seems embarrassed about it in the light of day….leaving you shameful and hurt and wondering why you let it happen again.

And then he goes on to date one of your friends, treats her well and is a loving and supportive partner!

Like that.

In the past, I had invited alcohol into my space and into my body, always with the same results, and I constantly questioned why I liked it so much?!?  It was telling me everything I needed to know about the relationship, but I wasn’t willing to acknowledge the fact that I just couldn’t handle what it was willing to offer.  A down and dirty booty call that left me depleted of self after every rendezvous.

Alcohol just wanted in my pants, and I always wanted more.  So instead of letting IT make the decision, I got to do it this time!!!

“It’s not you, Alcohol, it’s MEEEE!”

I meant no disrespect, I just had to make a different choice for myself.

Because if I could drink normally, there wouldn’t be any problem at all.  If I could sleep with it and NOT have my feelings hurt, everyone would have been fine.  But I ain’t built like that, and I had to accept that.  Because even the first time that I tried alcohol at 16, I did not have a “normal” reaction to it.  I wanted more, each and every time.  And no, that wasn’t a warning sign.  Not for someone like me.  Because I LIKED it, man.  A lot.  The sex was incredible.

I like barely-cooked chocolate chip cookies too, and I would find it next to impossible not to eat them if they were warm and gooey and sitting invitingly upon the oven top.  It really is just that simple.  The difference is that if I eat just one cookie, I can likely stop the obsession to eat more.  With alcohol, it’s not that simple.  Even if I only ingest one glass of frosty Chardonnay, I will want more….even with my wits seemingly intact.  And I truly don’t think I have control over that kind of a craving, not once it is in my system.

Let me expand upon this.  It WAS possible to stop myself after one glass.  I did this plenty of times...but it was never easy...and quite rare, as the years went by.  I found that I was trying to control the craving itself.  Attempting to ignore it.  And unfortunately, it was always a role of the dice.  Maybe I’d want more in 30 minutes or maybe in a day.

Remember, it’s not you, alcohol.  It’s me.

So this time, when I did the breaking up, I took back power and control over my actions.  My CHOICES.  And I clearly defined what I would take in, in the future.  Not just physically...but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  

I am the master of my domain, and after drawing a physical boundary with booze, I started the more expansive effort to draw boundaries in many other ways.

I now thoroughly enjoy having my wits about me on a regular basis.  Who knew???  Certainly not me.  Because I’m a bit of an adventurous spirit, who enjoys being a teensy bit of a risk-taker.  It’s just interesting to find that I can feel the same way in much healthier situations.  Like writing and such.  Again, who knew???  And similarly, I find new ways to calm the inner self.  Like writing, and music, and good food, and long hugs, and listening to people.  Really listening.

Sobriety is sexy.  We started our relationship with mutual honesty and respect, and the relationship gets deeper and deeper as the commitment grows. I find that I've found what I was looking for all along.  Gentle strokes of kindness, overwhelming passion sometimes, holding hands when life is hard.  It's all part of what I get when I contribute my full self, and make sure my actions support my better self.  I choose the union daily, and I work to maintain the bond that started when I came to the table with everything.  I decided to be all in and asked sobriety to take me as I am...the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I can’t imagine cheating on it, because I value what it brings just as much as I value my love for my husband.  I guess you could say that we’ve got a little ménage a trois going.  Me, Mike and Sobriety.  And Mike loves this new bed partner!

These were the first two important realizations, and they have become philosophies that I live by.  

To surround yourself with trusted individuals who will speak the truth to you, and to be cognizant of the unhealthy relationships that we have with certain things and with certain people.  

We teach people how to treat us, and so if we are suffering, we are the only ones who can change that relationship.  

For me, it doesn’t matter if it’s a bottle of Chardonnay or a negative friend.  To dance with either represents the denial of my better self.  

Take back your power, baby.  It’s there for the taking.  Ain't nobody going to do it for you.

Just YOU.