Parenting 102

I find the idea of parenting both overwhelming and incredibly inspiring, and most of the time I find myself challenging not typical beliefs, but the results of my past attempts.  Back in the day, Dr. Phil used to ask his guests, “Well, how is that working for ya?” Meaning… Well…are your current efforts actually producing the desired effect?  In almost every instance, both the guest and every person watching already knew that the answer was no, right?  Their actions were working quite poorly!  We will often work tirelessly to control, even if we keep getting unfavorable results- which also happens to be similar to the definition of insanity.  A la parenting.

Expectations and control are scary beasts when it comes to parenting.  I find that I started learning more about their ugly sides when my older two children became teenagers. My ex-husband and I had spent years trying to provide experience in various extra-curricular activities for the kids- dance, piano, football, gymnastics, basketball, drama, baseball, volleyball, soccer.  You name it, at least one of the kids tried it.  And our only requirement, (well, kind of) was that they finish out a season if they made a commitment to do so.  To try to instill stick-with-it-ness, even if that child didn’t want to go to practices in the third week!  I don’t regret any of these efforts.  At least we were providing opportunities to learn and to grow in experience, to benefit from teamwork, and to work towards personal goals as well.  Although I can tell you that I think I may have spelled out what those personal goals should be.  Hmmm…..perhaps I should have taken a closer look at that at the time.  I’m not sure that was always my job.

This all turned into one teenager who is inspired and clearly motivated in a specific sport, and one who still has not found her passion, specifically.  And the lack thereof has created such frustration for the both of us, and it feels like I failed her, as if I took on the responsibility to introduce her to her distinct "passion."  Oops……But that’s about MY feelings.  Who cares if I feel like a failure?  Not her, I can assure you.  And I must be clear that any disappointment is in myself and never put that on her.  She is and has always been worthy of my love and support, no matter where she is in her efforts at figuring out her future.  Geez, she's 17!  So, perhaps, I need to keep that all to myself and adjust my parenting style at this point.  My passions have changed throughout the years, and the most important ones were always defined by ME.  Not others around me. 

Kids are all too aware of what everyone around them thinks of their efforts.  Parents, teachers, peers, coaches, youth leaders, the stranger in the bleachers.  They are processing these perceptions at every turn, and when do we think they’ve earned the right to look inward at their own goals and ideas about what to do and how to do it? 

And who to be?  I mean, what a terribly vague question and overwhelming notion!

I’m 46, and I’m still figuring that out, because answering that question changes as I age.  I’ve been in advertising, church music, community and professional theater, classical choral performance, floral design, stay-at-home Momville, public education, and now the IT world.   It can change, folks.  And in many cases, it simply did not matter what my degree was in, or that I even had one for that matter. 

Now, I have to ask myself the question….was I successful?  What does that mean?  How do I measure success?  And should that come from other’s perceptions of me?  Or myself?  Lord, I hope it must come from me.  Because I do feel successful. 

I’ve had a couple of very interesting and revealing conversations with her in the last year or so, one of which pointed out my failure in a massive way.  The failure may not be what you assume.  It was that I had never even spoken of what I’m proud of, delineated out how I’ve used my own strengths to create purpose….and also how I’ve been creative in my adjustment to the needs of my family (even her father's career) and made money when I needed to.  Period. 

When I asked her about what success means to her, she outlined out a path that I shouldn’t have been surprised at….gaining college acceptance, earning a degree, having a career.  That’s really the entirety of the conversation.  And that made me very sad.  I think she didn’t want to hurt my feelings, but it was painfully obvious that she considered her father more successful than myself.  Even smarter.  I don’t want to take away from his accomplishments.  It was a wonderful thing for the kids to see someone go to graduate school and have a long-standing career built on hard work, talent and dedication.  But her view of me was surprising, really.  Or is it?  Yes, I was truly offended that she considered me a lesser intellectual being, but that has to do with the fact, that from her statement, she equates intellect with career success.  And that just pointed out my failure in talking about what success means for myself, and what I hope for her future.  Because it sure as hell doesn't reside in financial gain and status.

I found that she assumed that both her father and I had high SAT scores, because we both graduated from a good university, and that she expected the same of herself.  I had to inform her that I was not a masterful student, that my scholarship hinged on my musical ability, and that I doubt my scores would even get me through the doors of that university today.  So, she just can’t compare her current opportunities to mine or her father’s in 1992.  That’s just silly, and can’t be overstated.

I reminded her of her step-brother, who decided last year not to begin college quite yet.  He had seemed to be dragging his feet in finishing registration, but by inaction, was clearly telling everyone around him that he simply didn’t want that yet.  So his year was spent working full-time, building close relationships with his friends, and soul-searching.  Then, about 3 months ago, he told us that he had saved thousands of dollars, and had meticulously planned a 2 month solo adventure throughout Asia.  He did just this.  And I cannot tell you how proud his father and I are of his independence, goal setting, budget adherence, adventurous spirit….and the patience to sit through the unknowing.  What he does next is entirely up to him, and he is trusted with that decision in every way.  It is not lost on me that I did not have that kind of courage and resourcefulness at 19.  

I told her that I trust her with those same decisions now.  I will help provide opportunities and healthy guidance, but the decisions are hers alone.   If she starts college next year, what college she chooses, whether or not to wear leggings or shorts on Friday, how she spends her work earnings, and what to pack in her lunch.  She is a living and breathing being that should be trusted…..as long as she doesn’t make decisions that hurt herself or others, frankly.  And even then, when she does this, it is her responsibility to learn from those mistakes.  I simply have to decide how I contribute to this learning.

So, I guess I’ve boiled down parenting at the moment as well.  It’s parenting 102.  I already took its prerequisite, and I’m choosing to move on, because she’s not a grown-ass woman...but she’s getting there.  I’m proud of the efforts of all of my children, and I need to take a look at what guidance really is, and be careful that it doesn’t bleed into control in an unproductive and unhealthy way.  Choices may bring failure, and we often have to define both failure and success for ourselves.  I must leave that to her.  I only hope these conversations continue to be revealing.  They certainly are for me.   

What is success, and how do we define it for ourselves and explain this to our children?  Start the conversations, ya’ll.  You may learn something new.