Accept Acceptance. Did I stutter???

Let me preface this writing by saying that I listen to a lot of smart people.  And I read the words of a lot of smart people.  And I try to keep the company of a lot of smart people.  When I said that I surround myself with trusted individuals, it also means that I really like people and I like to take a lot in.  It was never enough for me to commit to attending 12-step meetings and to read one main piece of literature and be able to quote it like the bible. 

Truth telling:  I realize that my initial annoyance with AA was simply an adolescent railing against the idea that it felt like someone was telling me what to do.  I’ve already said that I am an independent spirit, and that’s true.  And what comes along with that, is the fundamental belief that I need to figure things out for myself.  I need to take it all in and trust myself to figure out what’s right for me.  Period.  And I need others around me to trust me to do that work.  That does not mean that I don’t listen to directives from others.  I already said that my time in rehab was humbling in many ways, one of which was that I decided that I didn’t know jack shit about recovery, so I should probably just shut up and listen.  So, that’s the point.  My first decision was to listen.  And I did. 

That required that I really took in information, sat on it awhile, and determined the next steps required by myself.  Everything boiled down to that, so if something made absolute sense to me, and truth rang a giant cowbell in my ear, I jotted those things down in my psyche.  And sometimes on my legal pad.  I decided what the key points were, and I created the outline for my personal work moving forward.  I hope that makes sense. 

And upon returning home, I have continued to work.  I didn’t lie and set myself up for failure by verbally making a commitment to AA and the Big Book, singularly. I wasn’t ready to do that, but that by NO MEANS meant that I was not in recovery.  And if anyone thinks this to be true, then you don’t know my story of the last 10 months.  I’ve read the Big Book cover to cover several times.  It’s highlighted pages and notes in the margins prove it.  I just don’t limit my studies to one book.  I have attended plenty of meetings, but I have never and do not now go to AA meetings on a regular basis.  If you are angry with me right now and feel like I’m a fraud, then let me explain.  As I read and listen to others and invest my own thoughts and feelings into what I take in, I find the following to be true:  that the clearest concepts and the most inspirational pieces of literature and teachings are usually saying the same things.  Even spiritual teachings.  If you don’t see parallels between the 12 steps of AA and ancient spiritual concepts, then please take another look.

Additionally, I have created my own fellowship with other people in recovery.  Sometimes that’s friends that are regular AA attendees, and sometimes it’s those on a different path.  I in NO WAY disagree with the Big Book or with the importance of fellowship among people in recovery.  I hold both as supremely important.  I just have chosen a more inclusive path, which does include 12-Step meetings occasionally, and also active fellowship with others.  Dinners with other sober friends where we openly and intentionally talk about recovery, texting and calling friends from rehab, discussions of helpful literature with others, conversations with my husband (who never became addicted, but understands it well).  It’s all very intentional fellowship, and it’s been working for me all this time.  And I feel it’s important to point out this fact:  I DO KNOW that AA is and will always be a place where I can find fellowship, support, and guiding principals that I believe in.

I also need to clarify that I have not just read words.  Or just listened to a podcast.  My recovery has not been based on simple intake, as if anything magical happens when we passively absorb information.  My recovery has been based on choices and action and proactive involvement in service to my better self and to others.  I have always considered this my personal responsibility, and to ever lose sight of that, is to lose the focus on my sobriety.

So, I am thankful that I have been given the space by those who love me, to figure out what works for me and what doesn’t.  And I am eternally grateful for that TRUST.  I do not take it lightly.  And once again, a lot of the time, roads end up leading right back to AA principals and the Big Book.  But my independent ass needed to see that for myself.  Got it?

All of the above has brought me to one of my guiding principles. Acceptance.

I practice acceptance daily.

And I have to say that it’s gotten easier as I’ve become more conscious of what happens throughout the day and become bolder with my actions. I try to be cognizant of what’s occurring, and therefore make choices that support what I think is right or wrong, positive or negative. This isn’t necessarily easy, and if I think that’s ever going to change, I’m allowing myself to slip right back into my old game, where I expect my feelings and God-given talents to propel me into a life of purpose by destiny alone. It’s rare that this happens, and when it does, I usually didn’t have any personal investment. I just got lucky.

Therefore, I accept acceptance as a regular occurrence. Acceptance happens daily, hourly, sometimes minute by minute. What happens next is a choice to move towards something or move away. I am no longer a bystander, waiting for the actions of others or even the existence of things, to determine my fate. I am an active participant who contributes and decides what happens next, for the most part. For me, this realization is so powerful.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.”

In this way, acceptance is a call to action. And it’s a realization that we are charged, as human beings, to contribute to life itself, to the goings-on of everything that occurs.

I just decide what to accept, right?

Acceptance usually means asking ourselves what we are going to do about something uninvited. Not necessarily a bad thing, but just being present enough to recognize that this THING is happening in the moment, and we can be a part of it, or not.

The other day, I was in the passenger seat as my 15-year-old son drove us home from camping. I know that this makes me a little nervous, and I know that I handle it much better than I did with his older sister.  My acceptance of their growing older has gotten easier, so my own actions have changed.  I learned how my controlling reactions affected my daughter, and I try not to repeat those mistakes with him, because it only added to the nervousness of the moment. 

During the ride, we had an interesting conversation.  He told me that he had shared a little about me to one of his friends a few months back.  He told him that I was an alcoholic, and his friend seemed very, very surprised.  At that point, his friend squoonched up his face, and replied: “Wow…….she always seemed so….nice.”  My son said that he didn’t exactly know how to respond to this.  He said a few words in response, but didn't exactly argue a case of just how nice I am.  He kind of left the conversation at that.  Oh man, that was hard for me to hear. 

See?  But I had to accept that it is not likely that my son knows how to process what happened.  And that he doesn’t know yet how to handle his friend’s statement, or even his own personal feelings around this truth-telling and around that label itself.  How would he?  He’s just learning, just like the rest of us.  So, I had to decide what I would accept about ALL OF THAT in the moment, and how I would respond.  Honestly, I had to think about it awhile, and ended up going to his room later that evening to finish the discussion.  I told him that it’s possible to accept the feelings of others, that it’s likely that his friend doesn’t have any direct experience with alcoholism, and that his reaction and words are merely a reflection of what society has taught him.  That the next time my son is put in this position, he can be careful with his word choice, and that (unfortunately) the word “alcoholic” is a dirty word to the general public which implies immorality...and even the notion that maybe I’m not “nice.”  Ha!  I truly must laugh at it a bit and remind myself that I probably shouldn’t act overly “nice” in my next interaction with this child.  Because he is just that:  a child.  I accept that.  

Lastly, I have to say that my acceptance of sobriety has truly been a journey.  This one took a while, and please remember……it’s supposed to!  In a perfect world, it will take a lifetime. 

In the last writing I already referenced Step One.  And if you paid attention, I worked in Steps Two and Three as well. 

Let me explain it this way.

Step One said:  We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.  (And my soul said: “Yeah, yeah, I get it man.  You don’t have to say it again.  I accept that alcohol is an ugly beast for me.”)

Step Two said:  Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.  (My God is a good and loving God, who created me with all that I ever needed.  I just had to realize that it’s my responsibility to use this power for good.  It’s called evolution, and it doesn’t stop happening, but my choices determine where it leads.)

And Step Three:  Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.  (Again, my God created me with all that I need.  Decisions are a CALL to ACTION.  Action Jackson arrived, pushed me over on that bench seat of denial, and started driving that bitch.) 

All three steps are acceptance and courage for me.  I didn’t necessarily pray to my God to do it for me.  I believed that my God had already given me everything that I needed.  I just needed to get busy and DO something about it.  Perhaps a little maturation needed to happen.  Perhaps I was tired of just letting circumstances roll over me.  But I decided to be active like nobody’s business.  It was MY business, and I was the entrepreneur of my soul, baby.

This all leads me to another truth telling.....that true acceptance of my addictive past and taking on the courage to change didn’t come until I understood and appreciated what sobriety truly had to offer.  It was just words at first, because I hadn’t lived it yet.  I had to function from faith, first, but it didn’t take long to see and feel what was happening and to appreciate and value what was growing within me.  I’ll have to think about how to explain this all, and hopefully I’ll address it in a later post.

It was a little like being given a gift that I never asked for.  Those “most important people in my life” all went in together on this one, and I didn’t really know what all was in the box until I started unwrapping the present.  It wasn’t the prettiest package at first.  It was hand-wrapped in all kinds of strange paper that I never would have chosen myself, but I knew that it came from the heart, right?  And upon seeing its contents, I actually had to put it on and wear it awhile, so their feelings weren’t hurt. 

But in its wearing, I began to appreciate it….and then value it. 

Then, I started wearing it when no one was looking at all.

And THEN, I decided that I wanted to wear it everyday, make some myself, and give them to others. Truly amazing!

I hope that I don’t alienate others by admitting that regular AA meetings are not a part of my weekly schedule.  While fellowship is crucial, I just go about it in my own way at this point.  I always reserve the right to change my mind about what is best for me in the future.  And truth be told, I think about going to meetings often.  I’m just not as tolerant as I would like to be, regarding finding the right one and appreciating their regularity. 

This is my truth telling, and that must be okay.  Ha!  Or NOT.  YOU decide what you accept.  Maybe someone else will relate to me, begin their own journey, and find that each day is worth it.  

For someone who doesn’t go to church on a regular basis either, I find great comfort and guidance in the Prayer of St. Francis, and this writing is intended to be an instrument of peace.  I hope that my truth telling brings comfort and that my words are used for good.  

"Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace."  

When I remain present, I know that I have the ability to notice what's around me.  And acceptance, courage, and wisdom are only apparent when they are regular practices.

And for me.  They are.

Peace out.  

PS- If you haven't listened to the following, you really should.  I go through phases with songs, and this one has been living with me awhile.  The actual singing begins about 2 minutes in.  Man....talk about an instrument of peace... 

Indie Arie's "I Am Light"